How Has It Been

May peace be upon you.

Hey, it has been a while since I last posted here. A lot has happened since then, things that I have never stopped being so, so grateful for. Rewind time this month three years back, if you had asked me whether I was confident that I had a chance at anything, I would have told you not a chance.

No, it is not coz I had no faith in God. I did (and I still do). I just had none in myself. I figured that I had successfully screwed my own life upside down, inside out. And that was, truthfully, the worst feeling ever. I knew that God will always be there for me, but I made no effort whatsoever to try to turn things around in my head. Instead, I was constantly beating myself up for wasting the sacks of rice my father brought back.

I had to talk to people; to rant, to cry or to simply just sit with me and stare at the waves. I had to do all these to get myself out of my own head. Until one day, a kind, beautiful soul told me this:

“Things will happen, but in time. Start appreciating God, stop blaming yourself. You have never been handicapped, you were just…meant to go through this road.”

And that was it. That was enough to pick me up a little and send me along on the road to recovery. I started seeing things in a new light. Suddenly, things did not seem that bad. Afterall, I still had a family, a place to call home, a means to support myself, people who love me. Even the bus coming on time was a cause for celebration after that (yes, yes, I was in bad shape). God, I thought to myself, what a brat.

It was all in my head. It was all really in my head. I had expected so much of (and from) life that one bad phase was enough to rot my principles and send me tumbling down a (what I thought) bottomless pit of disappointment.  One moment of syukr was all it took to turn my head (and life) around. The sun had never shone brighter.

And I thought it never will, that is until I received a letter that offered me a chance to redeem myself. When I told everyone of that piece of good news, my face was a little too nonchalant. It felt too good to be true. I was little happy, maybe, but I do not remember much from it. Except the fact that I cried on my own for hours that night just thinking about how Merciful He has been, and how I was not towards myself at all.

And now, three years later, I am speechless just thinking of how wonderful His Plans, how they, truly, are Divine. Through the struggles He has Blessed me with, I really embraced the fact that without Him, I am nothing. All that I have is never mine to begin with; my family, my home, my friends, my career. These are merely gifts, Gifted as a means for me to attain His Pleasure.

As I sit here, staring into piles of books and documents waiting to be read, marked or completed, I just cannot stop thinking of how Blessed I really am right here in sunny Singapore. Three years ago, I was nothing and I wanted to be something. Now, I realised that ‘something’ does not really matter if it does not help me appreciate. I would much rather be a nothing who appreciates than a something who forgets. And now, I am proud to say, that I still am nothing. But a better nothing now than I was before, insya Allah.

Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.

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